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Adrift in ennui
Went up to visit the fam last Saturday evening. Heard that a good friend of my bro had died the day before. Was found dead, I should say, that Friday morning, in his bed. I can't say it was a surprise, since he'd had lots of severe health issues in recent years. And, considering the severe health issues, I have to say this, slipping away in sleep, would definitely be a far preferable way to go, you know?
So, tomorrow I will go to the visiting hours, and talk to his widow (who was a regular library patron). I wouldn't recognize either of their kids, it's been so many years since I've seen them. I'm not planning on attending the actual funeral, though.
But I will admit that I'm left in limbo, emotionally. Obviously, it's a reflection of my bro- they graduated from high school the same year, same age, and so on. Mortality bites, yeah. But more than that, I have to think about me. Since retirement, I go for days without talking to anyone. I don't have friends in phone range, and the fam pretty much never calls me unless I've had to leave a message to call me back. Unless I leave the house, I have no actual contact with people.
In other words, if I die in my sleep, the cats would starve to death before anyone came looking.
So I'm finding it difficult to balance my natural introversion and enjoyment of privacy, against the realization that yeah, it would be a good idea to have actual people in my life, since I no longer have the socialization at work. Ennui, it defines me.
So, tomorrow I will go to the visiting hours, and talk to his widow (who was a regular library patron). I wouldn't recognize either of their kids, it's been so many years since I've seen them. I'm not planning on attending the actual funeral, though.
But I will admit that I'm left in limbo, emotionally. Obviously, it's a reflection of my bro- they graduated from high school the same year, same age, and so on. Mortality bites, yeah. But more than that, I have to think about me. Since retirement, I go for days without talking to anyone. I don't have friends in phone range, and the fam pretty much never calls me unless I've had to leave a message to call me back. Unless I leave the house, I have no actual contact with people.
In other words, if I die in my sleep, the cats would starve to death before anyone came looking.
So I'm finding it difficult to balance my natural introversion and enjoyment of privacy, against the realization that yeah, it would be a good idea to have actual people in my life, since I no longer have the socialization at work. Ennui, it defines me.